A Season of Change In Stillness: In My Head On The Page
During this time, as society has taken on a completely different form and our lives have shifted in many ways, I have been subject to a lot of thinking, imagining, feeling, and processing. I decided that there were several things floating around in my head that expressed how I was being affected by these changes. And although these ideas didn’t really all fit together in a cohesive way, they were all very meaningful and valid in their own rights. I chose to make three different graphics that featured respective messages about my perspectives and headspace during the past couple of months. Each is entitled by the overarching theme of that message. Underneath each graphic is a small explanation of how I interpret those words and how the message traces back through my life.
L I V I N G. P R E S E N T L Y.
This graphic really came from my frustration and eventual acceptance of the slowness of this time. I explain in the beginning that there doesn’t seem to be any way to take action on the future or do things that will contribute to the bigger picture in my life. I can’t take steps forward and I was even removed from the place and things that engaged me in what I thought was propelling me forward and introducing growth. Being in New York was allowing my eyes to be opened to diversified business, artistic expression, cultural identities and greater understanding. By having to leave that place that I felt was an incubator for my career, worldview, and self, I felt like I was not only stopped in my tracks by COVID, I was regressing in my life. But, as time has gone by, I have understood, as I believe many others have as well, that living in the now should really be appreciated and valued- a realization that awakened me to negate the feeling that if I wasn’t moving forward, my time wasn’t worth it. I can take time to really listen to what people say to me and try to understand what they feel without thinking about how I can make some sort of external value out of it. Connection is the value that we both build and exchange in every moment that we as people have together. There is no pressure to predict what will happen tomorrow or to try to prove that I am contributing to the next thing because there is no expectation for me to do so. Things are out of my hands and it is such a gift to know that. Generally, we as individuals are more present in how we encounter the people and things around us at this time. And I am now happy that I can make the most of every minute for exactly what it is and just as it is then. Slowness is good.
F E E L I N G. D I C H O T O M Y.
This graphic comes from the abundance of thoughts and feelings that have flooded my mind while I have more downtime and open space. I mention that it seems like the excess is stripped away, and I do think that this is a very simple way to compartmentalize a lot of the things that have been removed from this chapter. In this case, maybe “excess” means value on material things- style, travel, wealth, appearance, privilege, etc. Maybe “excess” means an overload of obligations, productivity, pressure, time restraints, or priorities. On different days, I ideate this “excess” differently. But what I do know, is that a lot of what my life and mindset used to be filled with is not present now. And as an effect of this decluttering, my thoughts and greater consciousness have been illuminated. Sometimes it seems like they are exaggerated even. What I’ve tried to grapple with is how the larger presence of this processing and ideating has made me somewhat distant from my actual emotions. Its kind of like my imaginative senses have become more normalized and in a way, that has made me feel somewhat dispassionate about my sense of wonder and curiosity. Because it isn’t so far out to think differently. Well, in fact, it’s not different- it is just what it is. And how I operate these days. Further, everything is hypothetical. If you can’t really plan for the future, it seems thinking about what you can do, be, and say has lost validity or purpose. But that is exactly what has made me be more content with just being, doing, and saying exactly what I feel like being, doing, and saying. Somehow, I have less reasoning or pointed direction for how I live or share myself, but by accepting this, I’ve been afforded a method of expression that is raw and true to my ever-changing inspirations and lack thereof. It’s the beauty of the interconnected nature of simplicity and complexity. In the end, everything and nothingness might very well have the same qualities.
L E T T I N G. G O.
This graphic was the first for me to write. When the pandemic consumed the world, I underwent a quick transition from what I felt like my life was or what my identity was made of, to what my life actually looked like and who I was, aside from the world we were acquainted to. This caused me to feel extremely distanced from many of the things that in the past, helped me structure how I, as an individual, fit into the greater picture. As a result, I began to feel things that I couldn’t really trace. The frameworks that I often used before to evaluate my emotions and actions were not there to assist my understanding or direct my path. Once I realized that everyone was in the same position- with no option to even make meaning out of things or feel pressure to reach any sort of standards of success, a weight lifted off of my shoulders. I have no responsibility to take anything away from, or contribute to, this time and experience but to allow myself to unfold and grow. And that doesn’t have to be proven to anyone. I mention not trying to put together the pieces of the greater puzzle. I’ve always struggled with beating myself up over how each thing I do is building my future. At this time, it is a sweet relief to release any hold I ever thought I had over what the future may look like. And to be clear, I never do have a hold on what the future is; a lesson I’ve learned time and time again. I guess now especially, it’s just easier to see that I absolutely have no control over what is to come. No one does. So I am now able to sit in a place where although I am not able to make meaning out of the events of the world or my personal situation, I am empowered by a sense of peace. I have peace knowing that I am at the mercy of something bigger than me. I have peace in releasing an obligation to myself that everything has to contribute to something more. It is okay to just sit and not run. And the chips will fall where they may. As they should. As they were made to.
