From Chapter To Chapter: Becoming Proud Of My Steps In A Blind World

Sometimes it is hard to be proud of making changes, (as positive as they may be), because changes, in their very nature, are uncomfortable. Usually being proud of something requires confidence and comfort in the role you are taking on or the activity you are taking part in. So as I’ve had many moments of uncertainty and disappointment in the past 6 months, it has been hard to focus on the “bigger” or “better” that lies ahead; which seems to be the only way I’ve felt justified in being proud of some of the changes I’ve had to make. In the past, I was fortunate enough to be a part of organizations, communities, and activities that I naturally walked into. They were things that were prevalent in the environment I came from and among the people I surrounded myself with, so it wasn’t hard to feel comfortable in doing the things I did and worked hard to take leadership in. In a sense, I did what was conventional and it was easy to be proud of these things because they were broadly accepted and supported. These days, after facing challenges following my period of taking a more unconventional route post-grad, it is hard to view my decision to return to Texas as something to be proud of; especially when one of my goals in this phase of life has been to always take risks.

But as time goes on, I have begun to feel like this is exactly the reality God was pointing me towards following my year of exploration. Because at least for me, what is more risky and uncomfortable than defying the picture of what others may have currently come to view me as? Something I am constantly training myself to not prescribe to is the idea of me from an outside perspective. So really, for me, changes are always necessary. Change is a tool that allows me to accept new things that develop in my heart, rid myself of old practices that do not add value, try out different traits that allow me to understand others in different ways, and even lean into changing my opinions that I have previously developed. Introducing change into my life makes me feel like I am freer to be anyone I’d like to be. Sometimes, in the past, I feel like I gave people too much to define me by because all I wanted to have was a clear identity. I wanted people to see me and know me, and because of this self-induced correlation, I had constant anxiety about how people viewed me- since I thought it was a reflection of who I was. Now, I have seen that the identity I created was only one for people to identify me by, not the self to get to know me through. In high school and college, I took comfort in being defined. Now, I try not to even define me for myself; constantly changing and allowing myself to be anything and everything that makes me feel true.

In my reflections in the past couple of months, I have noticed my mind and heart exhibiting signs of grief for the things I believe I am in the process of losing. I have been thinking about how much of my experience in New York has come to pass, that my ability to work at Ceci in an exciting, creative environment has come to a close, and how my flexibility in terms of lifestyle has become slimmer due to a shrinking workforce and added financial restrictions. It is sad to think of the wonder I had bottled inside when coming to the city and just how much things have shifted since then; in me and in the city. To be honest, I think some of this loss of wonder is just a part of growing up and starting to really feel the complexities of responsibilities, the future, and the dynamic of self versus others on a deeper level. So I do want myself to acknowledge that I am proud of making recent decisions to do what I know is best for who I am, but more importantly for who I will be 5, 10, 25 years from now. I am choosing things in my career not only for their appeal, but for their stability, benefits, and opportunities for growth. As much as I may grieve the losses of this past amazing year, I have grown up more than I ever could have possibly imagined and that is something that will be with me no matter where I am or what I’m doing. I have learned so much, changed so much, been exposed to so much, loved so much, and have faced so much. I am grateful and I am more than I was a year ago; which luckily, means that I have more to bring into this next chapter. And honestly, I have already been using so many of my experiences from the past year directly in graduate school these past few weeks.

So yes, I am again closing one chapter and beginning another. Which even that statement makes me uneasy because I hate giving anyone the idea that I am wishy-washy or noncommittal. But truly, if I’ve learned anything in the past year, it is that life is anything but linear. Although change may be viewed as the result of making a mistake, I think that this comes from a faulty perspective. I would like to believe that taking loops and exploring a trail in one direction then choosing another allows us to grow beyond limits of shame or prescriptive norms. It broadens our view of how we all operate alone and together. In the spirit of this big picture mindset, I have been able to distinguish a key element of this next chapter that has helped me to believe in the journey’s way of bringing about priceless growth. In this next chapter, I will not be in search of how my career will develop, I will be working toward a specific end goal. And in this regard, I am already more confident in this endeavor than any other in my career up to this point. 

I have decided to pursue a Masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from St.Edwards University in Austin. This program is a 7 semester (2 ½ years), 60 credit hour program that prepares students to become licensed professional counselors. Depending on the specialty individuals chose, they may also earn their LMFT (licensed marriage & family therapist) as well. In my last three semesters (all of 2022), I will be enrolled in practicum and internship where I will have the opportunity to work at a hospital, private practice, non-profit, or any other place of practice and start to provide psychotherapy to my own clients. Due to COVID, all courses are online for the Fall of 2020 and most likely the Spring of 2021. For the time being, I will be earning my masters virtually while living at home in Houston. I am hoping to structure my coursework so that even if I have to commute to Austin when the campus reopens, I will consolidate my classes to only two or so days a week and continue to live in Houston the rest of the time- where I have my family and a wonderful community of friends from Clear Lake and college in town. I have been growing into (and continue to transition into) the idea that Houston is once again my home. And I am excited that this time, I will be able to experience it as a young adult.

Once again, all of this comes with a great mixture of emotions. Obviously, there is the sadness that I will not be in New York chasing some of the dreams that I originally was seeking out there. But at the same time, one of my biggest prayers has been for God to give me direction in my career and relationships. And if everything in the world that happened in the last six months had not happened as it did, I would not have been pushed to actually commit myself to graduate school as early as I did or would not have chosen to be in the place that I am in now. And I can’t help but have this big feeling that God chose to push me to this location where I am surrounded with people who provide me with so much love, support, and joy; knowing that I have a greater sense of who I am and can contribute more positively now having had the space to explore myself over the past year. In another regard, I am entering this specific field at a time when people are really starting to lean into mental health and the idea of its powerful impact on communities. I am empowered by the openness of society and the good they seek to do for themselves and others. I cannot wait to be a part of this wellness movement.

Overall, I return to the fact that God does indeed have control. I do not. And as much as I want to dissect my future, he has long before set everything ahead of me in perfect form and fashion. I must trust that my blindness is a gift that will lead to growth. Time and time again, I am reminded that his plans are absolutely more important and impactful than my own and I am so extremely excited to see what he has in store!