What To Say and Feel When Everything's Being Said & Felt
The past week has honestly been such a whirlwind; in particular the first couple of days of last week. After spending the weekend in Boston (half believing that New York might get put on lockdown while I was there and half being okay with that), Devon and I joked that I should just go ahead and stay there; so that at least if we were getting quarantined, we would be quarantined together. At that point being “quarantined” was actually still something we laughed at as a concept; not knowing the gravity of the situation. As I boarded the bus home around 3:45pm, I wondered how the city would seem upon my return. Would it be empty? Would it be eerie? All I could do was wait to see for myself.
Beginning with an email in the late afternoon informing me that my company would be working from home for a “predicted” two weeks, things have really shifted in my life in terms of where I am and what I’m doing now since then. After speaking with my manager on Sunday night and concluding that we would jump on a team call in the morning to assess our plans, followed by a company wide call to lay the groundwork for a successful road map going forward, I went to bed having no clue what these conversations would bring. In New York, the information and recommendations around coronavirus were being taken very seriously, and the streets did indeed feel cleared out- yet I hadn’t felt true urgency or personal impact until that day; when my life started to change because of it. At this point, the importance of collective action as a result of the spreading illness had taken precedence over individual action.
On Monday morning, after having an estimated 10-12 calls with my team manager, mom, dad, teammates, and employer regarding the COVID-19 situation at hand, assessing my safety, the inability for me to work “remote” with the role I have, uncertainty on pay for team members past the point of two weeks (depending on our reopening time frame), and trying to relay everyone’s perspectives to the next person I was communicating with, I was drained. Of those 10-12 calls, I cried on probably 33% of them. Not because I was sad, but because I was completely inundated with the overload of opinions and interests which I was attempting to balance and unpack, while everything was based on uncertainties and things out of my control. I was trying to prove to my employer that I was completely dedicated and wanted to be available for all work I could put my hands in, assure my parents that I was being safe and serious about the virus, assessing the value of me staying in New York to have the ability to go into work (if that would even be a possibility) versus going home, and trying to understand what I even wanted to do or was capable of in the situation. At the same time, I was alone. Both of my roommates were back in Texas, everyone I knew in New York was back home, restaurants and shops were all mandated to close in the next 24 hours, my regular mode of transportation, the subway, was the hot bed for the virus itself, and the things that had made this place and the people glow, had suddenly vanished. Through it all, decisions were made.
Tuesday, I got up at 6:00am. I finished packing up my bag, cleared out the apartment, locked the door, and went into work at 7:00am; beginning work early to try to complete as much as possible to send out before I would be gone from the office until who knows when. Georgie and I were the only ones in that day, which made the environment that much weirder. We worked and worked until 6:00pm, when I got in my Uber and headed to LaGuardia where I managed to make my way through security and arrive at my gate by 7:00pm. An hour from my office to the plane; an unheard of journey which would have taken at least 2 and a half hours on a normal day. As I flew home, I couldn’t stop feeling anxious about the days to come. Yes, I was happy to have a bit more of a stable environment by being home, but honestly, I was sad. I felt like so many things had been taken from me without me even having a say in them. I guess that is how everyone feels? When I landed, my mom and I continued the discussion on everything that the past two days had brought, what would come of this pause which everyone has been afforded and how the world would be impacted as a whole. Half way through this talk, I just kind of shut down. Coronavirus had become everything and I was tired of trying to make anything out of it at all. This is the feeling that has somewhat remained with me as the week has come to a close.
Today, as I look back on the past week, I can say that I am now able to see so much good coming out of this situation for every individual. I believe the biggest positive is that everyone is able to pour into themselves in ways that they previously felt were not of priority. People are allowed the time to do things like read, write, create, plan, explore. They are given the space to think and reflect about what makes them just feel fulfilled and good. They can assess what they would choose to place into their lives if everything else that life has imposed on them was taken out. Paired with no social expectations of doing anything but be to oneself or no judgement for not doing things that are commonly viewed as “productive”, (since the environment were encouraged to live within does not permit many of those conventional things at this time), I am certain that we as a people will be better on the other side of this. Specifically, we will operate under better frameworks for the things and people we bring into and encounter in our lives. We will be a healthier people.
It has been so interesting to see how individuals have chosen to deal with coronavirus as it’s toll rises and seriousness intensifies. Economically, relationally, ethically, spiritually, physically- everyone is feeling the effects. And it is even amplified because we really have no idea how long things will go on like this. Many have chosen to remedy themselves and others by uplifting those in their community on the internet. Social media, honestly, has taken on a whole new role by serving as the primary platform to encourage friends and family with unifying messages; not creating a space that reveals the gaps between individuals by comparing what each looks like, what they have, or what they are doing. Thing is, no one has anything to do that would showcase their appearance, possessions, or happenings. It’s even kind of looked down upon for someone to try to make public those things in a time like this. People are struggling on the most basic level of humanity- survival. It’s been beautiful to see that most people are respecting that, doing their part to aid the world, and using technology to grow with one another.
All of this being said, I have been extremely hesitant to even give an opinion or take on the situation, or how to deal with it, since I feel like the public, myself included, is kind of tired of the influx of “be kind to your neighbors!” sentiments. Don’t get me wrong, I love to see people supporting people. It has been amazing to watch everyone utilizing their voices for good! Thing is, little of these messages have really stuck with me or changed my perspective in terms of how I am navigating this time. Little of these messages have really sunk in and altered my feelings or actions. It seems they all have started to just blend together. The words have lost their meaning in the midst of the rapidly changing environment. Maybe it’s because we don’t necessarily have a context for how to put these messages into practice? Maybe it’s because these messages, in their very nature, are just words? Someone saying ‘be kind to your neighbor’, although such a great sentiment, is just that- a sentiment. It doesn’t put action into play. For the past week, I’ve been grappling with how I can say something that has more meaning than the words give at face value. And it’s hard to think of something that sticks when nothing else is stable; therefore, I’ve been giving myself time to just observe. And man have I seen some pretty amazing things that have indeed made an impression on me.
You’ve probably learned by now that many of the things that move me are examples of little joys which grow from simple beauty. When I say beauty, I am more deeply referring to purity, and either strength or gentleness. Throughout this time, I have been surprised to see more and more people harnessing the simple things in general; which I believe has led to an increase in the amount of simple beauties that are able to rise to the surface. The things that really have struck me in this time are the things that show just how people are making a difference by doing what they can- spreading good in the process of extending their beauty to others. By spending an extra fifteen minutes to talk to their distant relative on the phone. By sharing their best podcast recommendations with their friends to keep them busy and learning. By giving a toilet paper roll to each person on their street. By singing happy birthday into the window of the 90 year old woman who is quarantined in her home. And the world has taken notice to this good that is really keeping our people afloat. On my time spent outside walking and running, I’ve noticed more people are out playing with their children, dogs, and partners. When I sit in the grass, I can feel the warmth of the sun and know to cherish it. Things that are little mean more these days.
A couple of days ago I talked to Delaney on the phone about my predicament over what to write about while I’m feeling just as lost and voiceless as the rest of us. She encouraged me to write just that. She said, “You don’t have to feel like you have to say something that takes a certain stance or recommends how to deal with anything. Just write what you feel and think.” This advice really illuminated things for me. Delaney was so right. (once again ;) ) As much as it has been a beneficial exercise to search for meaning in a time where the day to day doesn’t cloud our vision so much, it can be even more valuable to just watch how others are making meaning and let myself follow suit. So as I continue in my own coronavirus chapter, I am trying to really soak in these little beauties that are arising along the way and creating positive change in the communities around me. I’m doing what I can to nourish myself, and letting the chips fall as they may each moment.
I hope you are staying healthy and safe! In all this uncertainty, I encourage everyone to hold on to the simple things that create joy and even multiply them. Let the sunshine guide you and be a light for the people that sit under a shadow today. :)
<3 Natalie
