February Diaries: How To Live, Grow Into, and Share The Genuine Me
Feb. 11, 2020
In the past week or so, I’ve been feeling a bit emotionless. Not that I’m numb to all the things around me, but that it just seems that I can’t peg what emotion I am feeling strongly, so I’m a bit lost on how to categorize it in the grand scheme of things. Upon reflecting on why I might be feeling feelingless, I realized that maybe this was exactly what God was trying to tell me. That I couldn’t actually understand why I would be in this state because I cannot possibly make sense of anything simply because I am just me, a human. I cannot possibly know what’s in the future or even present path for me because I have no control. I had been trying to dissect something that was entirely based on unknowns. I really need to just let go of the idea that I need control. Because I don’t and I never will. And if I’m able to get to the point where I can internalize that fact, hopefully it will be extremely freeing. Wondering how I can train myself to put this into practice. I’ll keep pondering this week.
Feb. 18, 2020
Hi! My mom left earlier today after a weekend of visiting me in the city. Since I had presidents day off, we had some extra time this morning/afternoon to go to Soho, walk around, get lunch at a little cafe I’ve been dying to try, then end our tour at the lovely Little Cupcake Bakeshop. Today was really good. We just talked and walked. It was good because it was actually just living like I live; showing her the stuff that I see when I go on walks or explore. (AKA basically all of what I do in my free time other than write or eat meals with friends) We came back to my apartment, visited with Lindsey for a bit, then walked to Soho. This is kind of my weekend routine, and it felt so good to share that with my mom- allowing her to have a window into what I love about this place. Unfortunately, most of the rest of the trip was not like this:(
Coming into this weekend, for some reason I thought that if my mom was coming to New York for the first time in over 10 years, I needed to show her all of it’s “best” things. I set up reservations at several of the coolest, best restaurants I could find, that would undoubtedly be so yummy and take us around some of the most popular sites the city has to offer. I wanted to take her on the full tour of what people envision the city that never sleeps to be. The problem with this is that this New York is not at all the New York I have been living or loving. I don’t ever really go to any of these attractions. I don’t dress up to go to nice, expensive meals. I don’t stay at nice hotels. I don’t ever have to be in an environment that makes me feel like I should be anything other than what I am. Or makes me feel like I need to act like I know more than what I really do. And I felt a lot of that in the environments that I placed us in this weekend. And it actually made me breakdown at a point on Saturday.
After going to an extremely nice dinner then the Tina Turner play, my mom and I walked in the freezing cold to catch our Uber a few blocks out of Times Square. After waiting a fair amount of time in the wind of below freezing temps, something that already drained our energy, we hopped in the car and I couldn’t help but be so angry. I stayed silent for the ride and just tried to process what I was feeling. My mom asked me what was wrong several times and wanted to help, but all I could do was be to myself and really snappy. To be honest, I really wasn’t okay. It was so unfair of me to treat her like that and I knew that in the moment. But I was so angry with myself. I was so mad that I hadn’t seen that this would happen before it did and that I was the one to plan this weekend to end up like this.
I didn’t feel like I was showing my mom any of why I was even living here or how this place has given me so many immense lessons and growth that any other place could not have provided. And that isn’t because of the nice views, food, clothing, attractions, etc., it’s because no one cares at all what the next person beside them does or looks like. There is a mutual respect that everyone is who they are, has their own talents and skills, expresses themselves in different ways, and lives how they can or chooses to. And these types of attitudes are found in the places and people of the city where there isn’t as much wealth, materialism, or concern about the thick of things. People are more just living and being, not for show, just to live and be. And there is so much beauty in the uniqueness that comes out when people feel free to be.
Granted, there were some instances throughout the weekend where I was able to show my mom little things that I considered parts of my life here. And there were times that I really loved and enjoyed. I mean my mom and I have a special bond regardless and I was really happy to spend time with her no matter what the circumstances. She is a God send who completely and wholly listens, gives advice, creates joy, and feels deeply. I love my mom. And we have so much history that has shaped who we are and our relationship. It’s just really hard because I know that sometimes, my parents have a tough time understanding how New York is a part of my journey, since financially it is such an added expense and the job that I have now is not really a result of my degree or of high pay grade. :( My dad especially. And honestly it’s kind of a weird topic to get around. So understandably, where I’m at is not necessarily what they invested in previously and they want to see that I can make a life for myself. But they are amazingly supportive, giving, and really try to be open to how I am making value of this chapter. They have faith in me and trust that I am doing things that make me a better me and that are developing my skills and experience so that in the future, I can make a life for myself that is stable, profitable, purposeful, and passion driven.
So that is why it is so important for me to make every day and every decision matter. I am constantly trying to make sure that what I do and seek out are things that will move me forward or expand my horizons. I am really trying to not live in a way that is at all superfluous or ingenuine. I want to grow into the me that will allow me to take a path that is fulfilling and impactful. I want to work hard and see the fruits of my labor. I want to give back to my parents for being faithful in me. And that is why I so struggled with how this weekend played out.
Tonight, I texted my mom and tried to explain this to her in short. But it’s just hard to unpack all of the parts that go into this situation. Thankfully, my mom is very understanding in terms of who I am, my intentions, and my emotions; and she mostly gets how I think in situations like this. So I know all is well between us, I just have to continue to better understand myself and what the issues I had with this weekend really were. I want to be able to pinpoint the mistakes I made then try not to repeat them. This, I know, will help me mentally and to live as the person I want to live as.
I hope the rest of this week can be reset in a way where I do feel loyal to myself and gently confident just being. Okay I’m sorry this was a lot to dissect but this actually really helped me a lot. haha Have a great week!
<3 Natalie
Feb. 19, 2020
After the long weekend with my mom, it has been so extremely nice to get back into the flow of things at work, at home, and in my personal life. I knew that in order to recuperate my mind from all the emotions I had throughout the weekend, I needed to start with nourishing my body. This always allows me to feel so much more in control, well-intentioned, wholesome, and gently powerful. So I started brainstorming how I could nourish my body that would be most beneficial for my mindset. For so long, I’ve been missing one of my greatest passions- dance. I’ve constantly been putting off going to a dance class because it’s honestly so frightening to me that something you were so skilled in could completely be something you might be embarrassed of years down the road as a result of losing ability or expertise. But I can’t shake the feeling that I just need to dance.
It’s never been something I let go of mentally, much in part to the fact that my brain is just wired to think in movement when I hear music, but also because it has been one of the biggest outlets for expression of my emotion. It is so therapeutic to just feel and beautifully allow the body to move. And whenever I see dances or dancers, I want to do it too. Soooo… I finally said Natalie get over yourself and do what you know is good for you and just go! So I went.
Last night I went to my first contemporary class in probably about 4 years at the Alvin Ailey Extension School and wow was it therapeutic! Let me preface by saying I almost walked out halfway through it before we even started the combo after warm-up and stretching, across the floor, and technique. But I stayed because I knew that this was such a safe space that would give me room to move. I came in with no cares of what I was looking like or how I was performing, and that’s exactly what the encouraging teacher and varied students were providing me- room to be. So with each movement, I became more confident and grew deeper into the dance. The only expectation I had was that I would push myself to fully release my mind and body to the feelings of the movements. And that is exactly what I feel I was able to accomplish. For that, I am proud of myself. :)
Overall, it wasn’t physically hard for me at all and wasn’t a workout, but mentally it took training. Which in a way is the type of workout I think I needed. This challenge provided me with so much benefit in terms of how I can view opportunities in the future and harness the things I’ve developed skills in in my past. I am SO glad I went to the class and can’t wait to go to another! Next time, I think I want to try broadway jazz. That sort of style has always been one of my favorites, but I’ve never actually done technical theater jazz; only novelty and fosse. Here’s to trying new things!
On the way home last night, I was able to reflect and reach out to my family, make dinner and catch up with my roommates, then go to bed and take care of a few things as well as set intentions for my week as it continues on. I am doing this new 28-day health challenge from my nightly New York Times subscription and I’m so excited to nourish my body, mind, and soul. I shared it on Chasing Joy and addressed the delay in my writing since this week I’m prioritizing my health, physically and mentally. This week, I’m caring for my health in the form of doing things for my body that just make it feel good- not really pushing it to get stronger in any way. Tonight, I’m doing hot yoga staying with that same goal. :)
I hope that today can be nothing but light! It is off to such a great start and I will continue to keep a positive mindset knowing I am second. Today I will serve.
Theme: refresh ——> ugh I love that!
<3 Natalie
Feb. 21, 2020
So a few days ago, I started Maria Striver’s book, I’ve Been Thinking, that my mom gave to me for my birthday. And let me just say, Maria is speaking straight TRUTH all throughout this book!! I’ve literally only read 21 pages but I feel like I read every page twice because I have so many thoughts and ideas around every word she writes. I feel like reading them over and over is the only fair way to process it. I identify with SO much of what she says and know that this will be a book I will refer back to often when I need reminders of strength.
It’s also weird because I feel like I’ve read parts of books like this before and have appreciated the sentiments of the words, but have never really found true meaning or significance in how this would translate into my own life. But wow! Now that I’ve been through my process of trial and error, breakdown, revaluation, discovery, rebuild, etc. I can more deeply internalize these messages and testimonies she is putting forward!
To be honest, if I read this book three months ago, I’m not sure I would have the same connection to it. This book talks a lot about rebuilding and rewiring yourself in order to be your genuine, compassionate and raw self with confidence and care. I think that at that stage, I was really focused on just stripping away the excess and finding what was beneath. I wasn’t yet able or ready to be changing in the positive direction of being a better me, I was uncovering what I am at my core.
Now, I believe that I’m in the stage of learning how to take my core and prioritize it, then allow it to lead in my daily life; not anything other than me just being me. And just like I constantly fell down in the process of walking towards my rebuild when I was stripped and finding my core, I am constantly falling while I figure out how to live as my core. But I have no anger or distrust in myself or the world when I do fall short in these instances because I am thankful that those experiences are allowing me to build the most unique, purposeful, sustainable, gently beautiful, and impactful me.
It’s amazing how we as humans can change so much over time. I look back and am kind of in awe of how I have gone through many different versions of myself in the past 23 years. But I know that all of that is my story. It is not all me, it is all my story. I can forgive myself of what I have now let go of and can be grateful for where everything and everyone has led me to. I can be excited for the journey, good and bad things alike. And I am so happy becoming truly myself. I am so happy striving for the best me.
I will say, this journey is not something I think everyone can just undergo as the seasons change. It is something you have to realize you want and need, dedicate everything to, and invest your entire self in with unwavering faith that the process will build a better product. You have to be okay with confronting everything you aren’t comfortable with or like and dislike or see of value in yourself, acknowledge your shortcomings and failures with the people you have negatively impacted as a result, then leave all of those things in the past. You have to then find who you are and what you want to be more when you are bare. Raw after stripping the bad so that you can see the good and appreciate it, with caution of the tendencies or mind-frames that held you down previously. Harness what makes you you and what makes your heart one that will spread beauty, love, and genuinity. And this may take a lot of time to find how you uniquely have a light! This also comes with a lot of purpose searching and openness to different avenues in life that will allow you to be you. Then you will have to begin testing ways to live out this version of yourself in your daily life. How will you find balance, a routine, what things nourish you, what activities or schedules make you more fully able to be, express, and feel you?
And to be honest, I don’t know what comes after that because I’m not really there yet. I’ve only begun my testing phase of seeing how I can put into practice the person I feel is most truly me and the me I want to be. :)
