Speaking Up: Learning How To Be Assertive Alongside Selflessness
Oftentimes, I have run into problems growing up trying to put others first, please all parties, be cautious of feelings, and make commitments to everyone that can’t possibly be fulfilled. Like many others, I always thought that if I was having to sacrifice something or take the short end of the stick, I was doing so as a selfless act. For the better of others, I tried to take these losses as gifts; opportunities to deal with situations in the same light that Jesus dealt with his obstacles and trials. It was a chance for me to grow and be humbled, being respectful of others and acting as a servant in a gracious and rewarding way.
In general, these singular experiences didn’t necessarily weigh heavily on me. I would be the last to get a portion of the meal, the first to order and ride in an Uber with the other person that was overflow from the XL, the one to take the cot in the hotel room, or the one to stand in line for an hour with the person who didn’t get into the bar earlier. And in fact, I so enjoyed taking the backseat. I appreciated these times and the (minuscule) suffering I felt like I was undergoing because I felt like it was a chance to show my appreciation for the blessings that I did and do have, that make these events so small in the grand scheme of things. It helped me realize that I was so lucky to just be eating a meal, taking an Uber, laying on a mattress, or going out for fun. In other’s eyes, I may have been letting others run over me or taking advantage of me. But I thought that as long as I knew my value and asserted my worth in ways that could coincide with these types of sacrifice, I was fulfilling my goal of exemplifying servanthood leadership.
What I have learned through the years and have had to be reminded of time and time again through failure and hurtful experiences, is that there is an important distinction between being selfless and prioritizing others. In times of sadness that centered around me being let down or hurt in situations where I was dismissed by others or put myself in a position of compromise, I realized that my ideality of the system of servanthood didn’t translate into the reality of relationships and social circumstances. The formula of self-sacrifice + belief in my worth did NOT equal respect as a servant leader. At least not in a world that is run by loud voices, status, and power. I started to feel like there wasn’t even an avenue for me to be me and not get the short end of the stick. I always aimed to be caring, understanding, and give others the chance to give their opinion or do what they wanted to do. I took pride in acknowledging that I was less than and thought that what I had to contribute, although great and unique, could be second to that of someone who may have needed their voice to be heard more than my own. If they received satisfaction from getting their way, it was serving their betterment and my sacrifice was serving my own.
Reading this last sentence back, it’s so easy to say, yeah Natalie, that’s so wrong. But I do believe that no one person’s needs or wants are any more important than another’s- including my own. And I think that is what drives this type of thought for me. Yet as time has gone on and I have grown more certain in who I am and what I bring to the table, I’ve learned that prioritizing me can actually be at the forefront of leading selflessly. Removing the excess and being more vocal in my own presence with care and consideration for others at heart, leads to compassionate action and mutually beneficial change on a broader field. I’ve learned that sacrifice should only come, if it is to come, after I have first exemplified what my needs, wants, contributions, and voice have to offer. In social and professional situations alike, you have to command the respect that you believe you deserve. Now I know that opting for the backseat wasn’t earning that admiration which I knew my reasoning should accrue as a result of my misconception that being assertive meant being selfish.
In a recent trip to the post office for work, I saw just how divisive of a belief this was when I let a mail worker tell me that they could not complete the tasks I was asking of them because they were short staffed, my requests would take too long and create a longer wait, and that I would have to go to another post office. In the end, this led me on a three hour detour to complete the tasks which I should have been able to complete with the original mail worker if only I had been strong in my needs, stood my ground in terms of what I deserved as a paying customer, and showed appreciation for their assistance all the while. After getting back to the office, apologizing to my boss for the extreme delay, and getting a constructive lesson from another superior coworker, I understood that it boiled down to the fact that I was as deserving as any other customer in line behind myself. I had already taken my turn waiting in line to receive my service and regardless of the amount of people they could take care of in the time it would take them to complete just my tasks, I was giving them an equal amount of business. I was not assertive. And because I was taking the backseat, not only was I suffering, my company’s time and effort was being wasted.
Although I wish I hadn’t have had to have gone through this experience at all, I do think that seeing a conflict play out in this sense within a professional setting (where I wasn’t the only one to be damaged by it’s effects) truly made me see that there was a disconnect in my outlook on these situations in my personal life or, even greater, in my mind-frame in general. I shouldn’t believe that saying your piece or really showing your value is selfish or conceded. It can be exhibited in selfish and conceded ways! But it does not have to be practiced with selfish or conceded drivers. And someone’s underlying character or intentions completely shine through when they say their piece or act with confidence. And no one should always put themselves second because they think that their sacrifice is better for others. Because you being first is important. What you have to contribute is important.
There is a quote I recently read that really made me look at the dichotomy between these traits in a different way:
““To be passive is to let others decide for you. To be aggressive is to decide for others. To be assertive is to decide for yourself. And to trust that there is enough, that you are enough.””
The idea that being assertive was not only the best version of a balance between passiveness and aggression, but another exemplification of self worth altogether, was so moving to me. I also thought that this idea that there is enough room for everyone to speak changed the picture on how people take up space. Instead of it being a crowded room, there are no walls on the area that people have to express themselves. Each person can shine their light into a different direction and no one will be overshadowed.
In the end, being a person that puts others before themselves in a way that considers the needs and wants of those around them is amazingly admirable. It is our duty to serve others and give compassion because we have been given more than we could ever deserve in our lives. But, and I am still learning this every day, but, being a servant doesn’t mean giving up your own needs and wants in the process. Know your value and don’t be afraid to speak up for yourself or take control, always keeping the betterment of the collective at the forefront. Contributing your piece isn’t about being the loudest in the room- it’s about understanding the room, lifting others voices up, and speaking for the whole once you can hear or provide the most beneficial message. Your voice has just as much worth as the person next to you. And by exhibiting a voice that values service, you will be able to lead in a way that changes the world for the better.
