February 2020: Diaries On Learning How To Balance Patience And Anticipation
February 5, 2020
I can tell that I have been stressed the past couple of days. It especially jumped out at me this morning when I responded to something very harmless that one of my roommates said with a snappy and kind of defiant response which was completely unnecessary. I was then very bleak on the subway commute while I tried to process everything. I once more started feeling like the things and people around me were inhibiting me, not that they were providing an opportunity for connection.
Every morning, the doorman at work greets me with a giant smile and is ready to delve into something or another in conversation while I wait for the elevator. You have to be careful how much you say because he will sometimes even ride the elevator up with you to your floor or extend a hug while saying, “Happy baby Friday”. (his way of saying happy Thursday). Today, I just wasn’t in the mood and looked down at my phone so as to avoid conversation once he gave the infamous line, “Happy hump day”. Also, I didn’t even say happy Wednesday back… I just said thank you. I accepted his outreach and shut it down by not returning the gesture. As soon as I did that, I felt bad and knew I was doing the exact opposite of what I tell myself to live by. Once I stepped into the elevator, I heard someone else enter the building and scurry toward the elevator to make it before the door closed. As badly as I needed to be alone and regroup, I knew I wasn’t going to make this woman’s day off to a poor start along with my own by intentionally not holding the elevator. Out of pure mechanical functioning, I stuck my hand in between the elevator doors and gave a smile with a small laugh as the girl ran into the carriage. Although we were silent until she reached her floor, once she got out she made an unnecessarily nice effort to say, “Have a wonderful day!” to which I was surprised and said in return, “Thank you, you too!”
As small of an interaction as that was, it really struck me in comparison to how I interacted with others previously in the morning. It clearly showed me that I was not utilizing the opportunities I had to connect with others and was even degrading the days of others I was interacting with- exactly the opposite of my goals to encourage and give compassion to everyone in my life.
Now that I have been able to sit alone for a few minutes and gather myself, I feel more capable of pouring into others with the right attitude. I think this just goes to show that it is so important for me to have time when I get up to set my intentions for the day and to be more whole with myself before interacting with others.
Today I am excited that I will be able to go somewhere after work and just put everything into my online journal. Last night, I wrote out lots of things I need to do to get it ready for its release and hope I can add even more quality content as I edit what I’ve previously written. Although I’ve had to give up working out this week because of the time I’m dedicating to Chasing Joy, I feel confident and happy that the payoff of releasing my journals will allow me much more physical strength in the future due to the care this outlet takes of my mental health.
So, going into this day with patience for myself and those around me, a gentle heart, and enthusiasm for opportunities which I hope to carefully and kindly pour-over. Let’s have a good day! :)
<3 Natalie
February 7, 2020
Last night I worked a ton on my online journal and although it added even more things to finish up and do because of the new material, it was just so good to get more things out of my head and onto the page. Ideas are constantly coming to me and I feel like the span of this website can be much broader than I anticipated, in the best way possible! It makes me so excited to think that I will be able to share all of this so soon and then just continue to grow in it!
Well, after my journal on Tuesday morning, I was overcome with positive energy and an others mindset! Which led me to have the ability to really engage with my coworkers and friends. I was so grateful for the strength God directly placed in my path! As the work day started to come to a close though and I began thinking about all the different things I could and should work on incorporating into the journal, I got completely overwhelmed. I have this giant fear that Im going to have all these ideas and words to say in my head and then forget them and never have the chance to share those pieces of me. I want others to know my heart and I risk not being able to express things by forgetting what they are. Because of this stress and fear, I literally had a panic attack just sitting at my desk at 5:15 in the afternoon. I really started to shake in my seat while my mind rushed through so many thoughts and emotions. After a couple of minutes, I had to start to repeat to myself, it’s only forty five minutes, you can make it through. It’s only forty five minutes, you can do it. Just continue what you’re doing and breath. As my coworkers continued business as usual around me, I continued trying to ease my mind while going through the motions. Long story short, I was able to get a grip and make it to the end of the day.
After leaving the office and getting on the subway, I reflected on all of the emotions I had gone through that day. I sat pretty contently, knowing that I respected myself for handling everything the way I did. I was determined to at least write out all the new ideas I had and things I needed to do in order to launch the website this Sunday.
The next day, I woke up early and went to Culture, the coffee shop next to my office, and sat writing just one of the articles I was passionate about getting on the page. As time neared 8:45, I packed up and walked into Ceci with the best, most calm and positive attitude! I realized that by writing in the morning, I had infinitely improved my mood, feelings of control, intentions for the day and perspective on others; putting myself on the back burner. This was something that completely has shifted my thoughts about my morning routine!
I’ve decided that because of the notable impact this had on my ability to live selflessly and positively, I am going to write more in the morning before doing anything else. Hopefully this can be a great test for getting into a more balanced state.
After work yesterday I was also able to go to Whole Foods, look out over Bryant Park and write. It was interestingly soothing but not as productive as the time I spent just working in my room. There’s something about the certainty and stillness of the environment that makes me feel like I’m more in control of the thoughts I have and words I write.
In summary, I am very excited for the weekend to be dedicated to reflection and breathing along with major productive time. It’s a release in both ways and I’m ready to just be on my own time table with no limits to what I can get done or choose to do otherwise. :) I hope today can be a great start to a lovely weekend!
<3 Natalie
