The Strength of Admitting That I Am Weak
About 1 1/2 to 2 years ago, I began to decline in spirit, body, and mind due to the continuous stress I was feeling from the people and things around me; and more importantly from the constant strains I created for myself. Although I often prided myself on not getting worked up with stress or worried about outcomes or circumstances surrounding my life, just opting to do what I thought was “pushing through” or “trusting the greater plan” when things had high stakes or pressure, my cracks started to cause me to crumble beneath the weight of all of the things I had subconsciously internalized. Every yoke I attempted to carry on my own; thinking independence was admirable. How wrong of me it was to think that I, as a human, had that power. And spoiler alert, I learned that a positive attitude cannot keep a life afloat when you don’t have the strength to swim.
Now that I look back, it is easy to see that as I convinced myself that I was being strong and mature by not speaking of all the things on my plate and mind or by doing everything and more in every aspect of my life so that I felt like I was trumping the stressors, I was boxing myself into a role that placed sole responsibility on myself for taking care of everything that I couldn’t control. Further, I ended up dismissing anything that could help me deal with these things by not admitting that I was even stressed. Ultimately, I felt completely alone in my problems. No one could understand the sadness, anger, or longing I felt because I hadn’t allowed them to even be aware that I had any seedling of these issues. I had shut it all out and denied it myself; so I didn’t acknowledge that my issues were indeed issues at all.
On the outside, I continued to maintain positivity. I truly still felt joyous around others and fulfilled when there were moments of purity, lovingness, fun, and compassion. Even though everything around me was running like the exact same well oiled machine of the day to day, I couldn’t help but constantly feel like I was not myself. I knew that I wasn’t being the me that brought light into every situation. My nature wasn’t the same and my relationships with others were suffering because I wasn’t exuding the love that I was receiving- much in part to my lack of ability to focus on others since I couldn’t understand my own self.
Once I started to have serious physical health issues in January of last year (an entire story of it’s own), I felt shaken by this wake-up call. My body wasn’t able to keep up. I was wearing myself out from burning myself at all ends and not wanting to lean on anyone’s shoulder or ask for a boost when I desperately needed it. Not only was my mentality becoming weaker and weaker, apparently my body was too. After years of draining experiences involving social pressure, identity restructuring, family conflicts, growing up, etc., particularly all culminating in the first semester of my senior year, my wellbeing sat at my feet. Life was telling me that I couldn’t go on like this, as much as I didn’t want to admit that. As I went through the many stages of my health journey, I still refused to admit that I wasn’t taking care of myself like I had always imagined I did and would. As much as I felt the need to be “perfect” by means of others, I even more so had trouble allowing myself to come to terms with my imperfections and problems internally.
One morning, I realized that I couldn’t even express to myself what I was feeling. The mechanisms that I used to use to calm myself down and take control of situations now wasn’t even there to help me process my own thoughts. Not even writing a journal was something I was capable of anymore, i.e. putting anything on a page, and I felt so lost. As time went on and days like these seemed to begin to be the norm, I tried to find things that I could conquer to shift my mindset. What I knew was that I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be able to do it all. I wanted to be someone I looked up to.
Yes, I wanted to be strong, but because I couldn’t be (what I thought was) strong, I decided to embrace my “weakness”. I wrote this short journal in reflection of this shift:
“Today, I woke up feeling a bit weak. Maybe because I asked God to give me opportunities to trust in him more fully, or maybe just because I am weak. I am constantly contemplating my sense of self, my purpose, my desires, and my impact. What I fail to remember in times like these is that what I lack as a human can be gained in Christ alone. As I quietly admire all the beauty that God has shown me in the world this morning, I have begun to realize that living gently is something we tend to overlook. We are constantly being pushed to be powerful women in the age of femininity. Yet at the center of femininity is a gentle spirit. Thankfully, being gentle is something I feel like I can truly accomplish today in light of my weak state. God's grace is kind and sweet. I am reminded now more than ever that to touch others with a gentle heart is powerful and that is exactly what God shows us daily. He steps up to us with hope and belief in who we are but does not beat down the door. He lets us figure out what steps we want to take to join him on this journey of life. So as I feel touched today by God's gentle love, I won’t be afraid to touch another. Go softly, beautifully and contently in how life is and who you are in his image today.”
At some point I had realized that I had forgiven myself for not being strong and started to enjoy the person I was beginning to be when I identified myself as gentle. Not weak, gentle. I started to place zero pressure on myself to stand out or achieve more or be any more than just exactly what I was. I was Natalie. And for myself, that was enough. Whatever I wanted to be and whatever I was, was exactly the person the people around me loved in the first place. And regardless of how strong I could or couldn’t be, the person I wanted to live up to was someone that I would be proud of being. And to realize that the core of me was enough, I had to come to the table with a raw and gentle spirit. Allowing myself to forgive the parts of me that I didn’t want to be.
Changing my mind frame on who I was “supposed to be” versus who I was, and accepting that they weren’t the same or ever going to be the same was hard. But once I realized that all I could be was who I, myself, thought I was supposed to be, I came into myself. I was able to more honestly be the person who I, myself, am and always felt like was the best version of me or mirrored the qualities of others that I looked up to. I was me. How simple of a concept, yet the hardest to come to terms with.
I thank today’s embrace of a gentle spirit for this change in my life. I know that without the forgiveness that I started to grant myself for mistakes, the space to appreciate and take care of myself without worrying about the concerns of others, and the understanding that I had value in just being me for myself and not in any way that required recognition of others to be impactful, I would not nearly be where I am today. Ultimately, I will forever be a better me when I am chasing that self that I feel exhibits the beauty of my heart, not the self others had pictured for me. I hope that if anything, my story may help you more fully love yourself and others too.
