August 2019: Diaries From Nashville Part 2
August 25, 2019
Hi! Well, a lot has happened since I last wrote in this journal. I am so excited to say, I am moving to New York. I am starting as a design and production assistant at Ceci NY & will be attending NYU for the newswriting and journalism certificate program.
To be honest, I’m just so ready to be there. I’m tired of having to explain myself. I’ve been trying to be extremely open & honest, quick to respond & patient, but I’m frustrated. I’m tired of a slow pace. I am ready for fast-paced, forward-moving, challenging, independent, high stakes, high expectation living.
I’m not really sure why, but in the past 24 hours, I’ve been extremely annoyed. I’ve been annoyed with how people are acting, how they’re inhibiting me, how they move, how they look at me, how they’re happy. I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s stress, jealousy, anxiety, or what but it’s like I can’t be around others. I don’t like being questioned and I think it stems from that.
I've been meaning to journal since Tuesday and I just haven’t felt like it at all. Like I’ve kind of dreaded it and even writing now doesn’t feel good. I hate feeling so off.
Honestly, I feel like I have a much bigger future than what’s happening here and now and now that I have an opportunity lined up to start the next chapter, I’m completely done with this one. And that’s so wrong. I shouldn’t feel entitled to anything. I don’t deserve anything more than the person next to me and can’t start to get dismissive because I feel like I’m not present or don’t have to be.
-Natalie
August 28, 2019
Happy hump day!
This morning I began packing and it’s all starting to get more real! I told my college friend group last night and feel such a weight lifted off my chest :) They were all surprised and supportive. Even if they are skeptical behind the screen, I am happy that they are at least so kind and understanding with me! it’s just so nice to not worry about not sharing something or another with them and to be afforded the opportunity to be completely open and confident about chasing my dreams :) Brooke then texted me and we had such a great, deep conversation about life post grad, along with catching up and wow it made me feel so comforted and reassured about our friendship, me taking this path, and us growing in this stage.
Two nights ago, I was also able to catch up with Jacy and talk through everything with her. It helped me immensly!! She is the most pure, supportive, and genuine person and her perspective is so valuable to me. I’ve also talked with my sister to catch up and feel up to speed/ in a really good place with her :)
Lindsey and Taylor and I are in the process of finding a place to begin a lease on Nov. 1 and in the meantime I need to find a short term lease to sign for so I can settle in next next Saturday.
In terms of my attitude, I’m getting a bit less angry and impatient. I realized that I needed to understand that God literally just placed so many giant blessings in front of me and evil took it as a perfect opportunity to sweep in and distract from all the goodness by placing current dissatisfaction in my way — which is absurd!! I needed this change in perspective to really alter my outlook and shift how I am currently treating myself and others.
I’m feeling more in control and on track as of today which is giant. I feel more balanced with my relationships, progression in my moving logistics/plans and in a good routine for self-care.
I am trying to be more task to task present. I am trying to be thankful and not think too big picture— because that can take me too outside of what is happening here and now and causes me to question every step in my journey. Often, that makes me apprehensive to take any step at all.
I am happy today and know I am capable of balance, being a valuable visionary, and acting with a genuine, caring heart. ily!
<3 Natalie
August 29, 2019
Hi!
I’m feeling really good today:) I have packed up everything and am basically ready to move out tomorrow morning! I’ve written little cards for each of my roommates and got them each a cookie from Baked on 8th. I hope this shows them I really am so appreciative of them and value them. I went to 2 shows last night with Kassie and it was really nice to just open up to her.
Is it bad that I am so excited to get on the road and onto the next thing? The air of fall is really making me feel bright and wholesome here.
I’m feeling like I should just share, share, share my inspirations with people because it’s very telling of me and my journey at this point. It’s a way of being open with the people in my life and I think practicing that might be good for me :)
It’s so freeing to defy what are the societal and relational norms these days. Recently, I’ve just been talking to whoever I want, saying just exactly what I feel, and acting like whoever I want to be. It’s so awesome and honest. It’s also really nice to think that I really have little desire to go out anymore or feel obligated to do things I don’t necessarily want to do. It feels so good to know that those things just make me a worse me and to have the ability to just remove that from my life is so freeing!
On this last day in Nashville, I’m trying to take it all in. I’m going to walk around the golf course and stop at every lookout spot. I’m going to go to Centennial Park and sit; listening to music in the same spot I watched the sunset, cried, and ate an almond rainbow sprinkle cookie when I quit my job. I’m going to just try to give love. And give myself love as well.
<3 Natalie
