July 2019: Diaries From Nashville Part 1
Looking back, life at this point was a rabbit hole of emotions and life contemplation. Not that it isn’t always haha but particularly in Nashville at this time. Since I was feeling extremely strained, sad, and lost, I didn’t actually do much writing because I didn’t have any clarity or direction to do so. As a result, the whole of these entries doesn’t necessarily entirely capture the picture or emotions of this journey; but I figured the writing that I do have is just as much a part of my story as the things that I don’t. With that in mind, here are the entries I did write!
August 11, 2019
Wow. What a week it has been. As I sit here last weekend completely lost, discontent, emotional and angry, I didn’t know where to direct my energy and thoughts. I had so many thoughts on where my dreams and abilities could lead me. Since then, I’ve made more tangible steps in processing my desires, narrowing my goals, understanding my talents and skills, and challenged my perspective/attitude/integrity/intelligence/worth/stability more than I have in the past 4-5 years. I’ve quit my job, had three discussions with my bosses, had countless reflection sessions with my mom and Devon, had 2 deep, long and exploratory conversations with my dad, overhauled my entire resume/LinkedIn/job platforms, applied for about 20 jobs, and started to build out my portfolio which will include, articles, journals, op-eds, photography, and anything else me so that I can exemplify to companies and organizations who I am and what I am able to contribute. Most importantly, I can say that I have remained fairly calm and confident in completely dedicating myself to pursue my full potential through doing all of this. It is already evident that there is so much hard work, sacrifice, challenge, uncertainty, and discomfort in this path I am choosing, but to me, I am chasing the me I was made to be and the trials will always be worth that reward. I know I can make a big impact and I know that now is the time to set out on that journey. I have developed into a place where I feel mature enough to go forward on this challenging ride to know how to respond to trials responsibly, know and exhibit my value and gifts, live honestly, allow myself grace, push myself even when I don’t want to, not believe that I have to do it all alone, and value/show others how much I care for them. I am still in the process of understanding how to practice balance in my life. I am allowing myself to be vulnerable by being open & honest with those who surround me. I’m making myself do things that I know are good for me and that makes me more stable. I am growing and growing. I am having faith, trusting in god’s timing and plan, and living with abandonment. I’m giving everyone around me and myself a chance. I am living confidently with all dedication to my future and all gratitude for the journey. All that I can hope is that this pays off. And if it doesn’t in how I picture it to, I know that I am fully becoming an infinitely better me through this. And that pays off in ways I could never imagine.
With all my love, dreams and open eyes, I will continue to come at life with hope and drive.
<3 Natalie
August 13, 2019
Well after such an optimistic, positive and driven last journal, yesterday was a bummer. Honestly, I just got a bit overwhelmed with the million directions I’ve been pulling myself in, undetermined to really put my effort and focus into any of them as a result and questioned a little if anyone even cared that I was doing this whole thing. It’s such a difficult and rewarding paradox that all these trials I am putting myself through I’m not really telling anyone around me. Sometimes I look at myself and I’m like, wow Natalie, you are really making things happen and challenging yourself in all the ways you know will make you better. You are acting like someone I would respect and look up to. You're truly living to please God and not others. Look how far you’ve come! Then other times, I’m like, what the heck are you doing. You are 22, just quit your job after a month, have not much to back up your claims of skill or talent, and are not keeping up with so many of the relationships you’ve built in the past. Everyone has dreams, why do you think you have the right or ability to chase yours? It’s hard. And it’s hard not being forgiving of yourself in terms of time, health, selfishness, etc. It’s hard feeling like on top of processing everything on your own and constantly moving in the right direction that I have to prove myself to my parents and anyone else who knows what I’m doing, that I am constantly taking tangible steps in getting “a job”. What makes me continue on this process instead of reverting to another cop-out communications job?
My confidence in knowing that I have made an impact in the past on others by putting myself out there and taking risks. And even greater than that, by trusting that God has a big plan for me and that He will never give me more than I can handle. He has full control of the people, opportunities, situations, and environments that I am in. I am always in His hands.
So you may ask, did yesterday get better? Is today successful yet? Keeping you on the edge of your seats always ;) Well, yes. There is always light at the end of the tunnel and it always starts with me picking myself back up, doing what’s good for me, and resetting my attitude.
Last night, I had an awesome conversation with Emily Akins who is working as a broadcast journalist in Oklahoma City. She really understood the page I was on and offered so much knowledge and assistance in moving forward with a possible career in that space! That conversation gave me so much hope and excitement and better understanding of the industry as a whole.
My mom reached out to me with information about a certificate program at NYU that is 5 classes, has to be taken in 3 years, and is open to enrollment. Classes are at night and you can start at any semester term! This is a much cheaper alternative to grad school and gives me much more flexibility on what internships/jobs I could be doing at the same time.
I also reached out to Alan at Ceci NY again yesterday morning to tell him I would be in New York this weekend and to ask if there was any other information I could send that would help him better understand me. Well, persistence pays off ppl!! (My inspiration was taken from Taylor’s journey with internships in NYC). He responded and we set up an interview time for me to meet with the design production director, Jessica, this Friday!!!
This morning I also applied to a couple of internships in New York with awesome entertainment news sources and watched GMA to stay up to date with current events.
I was also reached out to by the manager at Outdoor Voices Nashville asking if I had time to hop on a call and discuss my experience a bit more. I responded trying to set something up for tomorrow morning.
At this point, I am SO encouraged! I am trying to keep full steam ahead on all fronts with the intention of having options on what direction to pursue going forward. I am trying to jog either 3 or 6 miles a day, save money when I can, and eat a cookie a day while journaling the journey as often as I feel inclined.
Although I am exhausted, I am content in trusting God and EXCITED for the future. I am extremely thankful above anything else. Thankful to be where I am.
New York in 3 days!!! I can’t wait!!!
<3 Natalie
August 15, 2019
Hi! its the day before I leave for New York and I am a happy camper :)The past day and a half have been a bit slower, as I am moving with less pressure to apply apply apply and more-so wait with patience and focus on follow up/follow through on opportunities that are progressing.
I’ve realized that if I go full steam ahead applying for so many things everywhere, I will get completely caught in a bad position having to say yes or no to things, based on other uncertain options that I’m waiting on- and that makes me very anxious. I have to have small break periods to pursue what I’ve originally put out feelers for, regroup on my opportunities standing, then move forward with other possibilities.
On my plate right now:
1) Austin American Statesman ad sales job
2) Ceci NY interview tomorrow/NYU ready to register!
3) OV phone interview follow up
4) babysitting ladies in Nashville
5) follow up with Emily on contacts and notes
6) follow up with reporter woman in Nashville
Its been tough not wanting to commit to anything but also wanting to pursue fully every option. (don’t know where I’ll be but want options!!)
This morning I focused my time and effort into doing a little financial analysis of my past week aligned with my budget and I actually enjoyed it a lot and asked my dad to talk through some discrepancies I found tonight. Wow lol
In other news, I had a good conversation with Kassie yesterday about how I’m doing in the job hunt, what I want and how to stay balanced/ focused in it all. Although I pretty much avoid talking about it with anyone out of fear of frustration from an inability to explain the entirety of it to someone, this convo made me feel understood and connected. I am so grateful for it and her. Today as a result, I’ve been trying to connect with my other friends more quickly and expressively which I consider an important priority in keeping myself on the right track.
I am slowly becoming more comfortable with not being recognized as a leader in aspects of my life. I am becoming more comfortable in being joyful in my balanced state. It’s more sustainable, intrinsically rewarding and leads my aspirations in better directions for who I am and how I can impact others. This is one of, if not THE, hardest thing for me to come to terms with and put into practice. It isn’t natural so as I said, I am continually working on changing my mindset around it.
I am very very excited to just have time to revive my soul with friends that brighten my heart, mind, and perspective! They are genuine, wise, and forgiving. Keeping faith and really trying to stay driven.
P.S. Today’s sweet treat was a strawberry scone. SO GOOD! :)
<3 Natalie
