January 2020: Diaries on Seeking Goodness in the Midst of Pain

Everyone has experiences in life that are hard, hurtful, unpleasant, and just simply unfair. No amount of happiness can remove the pain that we feel. And a smile doesn’t change that.

I cry a lot. This past year and a half, I’ve probably cried more than I have in the prior several years altogether. A lot of times I feel lonely. Sometimes, I get bitter. I commonly feel misunderstood and undermined. In my last semester of college, I felt a lot of shame. Shame about not appreciating the people around me, with beautiful hearts, for their friendships and the goodness that they emitted to the people around them. I carried shame about being selfish with my time, actions, and words. Shame about not living up to my values or the standards which I had envisioned for myself. Recently I have felt extremely exhausted. Exhausted by my continuous search for purpose and the confusion of what my next step should be every day in terms of my career, my interests, my independence, and my personal development. I ache often from the pain of this uncertainty. I struggle to fight against how sometimes it seems every minute is wearing me down.

And that’s just the thing. I knew it would be hard. Entering the real world (they say), although very different, is also good and something you adjust to. It’s a time of change in environment, activities, and people. A new chapter that brings new opportunities for you.

And here’s an even bigger thing that they don’t tell you. It’s okay to say that it sucks. It’s also okay to say that you love it. It’s okay to feel completely clueless at your job because you don’t actually know how to do anything they want you to do. It’s okay to feel like you’ve found the perfect place to exhibit your strengths and skill. It’s okay to become a completely different version of yourself, or to stay the exact same. And the biggest thing is: no. one. cares. This time in our lives isn’t determined by anyone but ourselves. And you have to decide who you want to be around, what you want to spend your time doing, and what makes you, you. You have the ability to choose to surround yourself with people who you admire or enjoy based solely on their character; because in this phase, there is nothing tying any certain person to another person. There are no markers of success that you and your peers are being measured upon in order to be recognized or that will set you up to accomplish things. You are on your own. And no. one. cares. how you chose to be you.

In one sense, this has been the most freeing thing about this chapter. I am free to be me and chase whatever me I envision myself to be when I am the best version of myself, regardless of how far I am from being that Natalie. On the other hand, I’ve had to go through a lot of self discovery, and inevitably confront all of the negative, bad, parts of myself to find what me I want to build as a part of the person I intend to be as a young adult. This builds the foundation of who I am for the rest of my life. Not to mention the contemplation of who I want to be is ever changing due to the uncertainty of this period in terms of a career, life partner, etc. as the future is anything but stable for any of us.

When I start to feel the weights of the world like overwhelming uncertainty, negativity, or self-deprecation, I’ve learned that I have to find a mental space where my heart prevails over my head. I think of the things that people do for others that are genuinely compassionate and deeply selfless. I think of places that exhibit the unimaginably vibrant colors and scenes of God’s creation. I think of the sweetness of pure experiences that encourage hope and bliss. There is an unmatchably beautiful quality to the raw act of living that gets lost in the day to day. When I’m sad, I just draw on these things that I know to be good. Just like no amount of happiness can remove the pain that we feel, no amount of pain can taint the good and joyful things that remain in our hearts.

There is an unmatchably beautiful quality to the raw act of living that gets lost in the day to day.

So out of all of this, I guess it’s safe to say that chasing joy isn’t an easy or perfect journey. And it’s not something you can really control. Its just something you can actively implement into your perspective on how life’s pain and pleasures shape you and impact the people around you. If you seek pure goodness, you can always find it. If you want to be pure goodness, surround yourself with it.

Life throws you into the open sky and expects you to choose which cloud to land on and what star to be. My biggest advice is to not let your light get lost in the dark. Pain hurts. And time and time again, it feels like pain can outweigh the good things that are happening around us. There are dark periods. But if we are able to take the pain with faith that goodness will prevail and seek out the lights that we know will always shine, there is no reason that the clouds won’t hold us and lift us up when the sun rises; no matter how far deep you sink towards the earth when it feels dark.